Living Life with Julie & Chris

1 Timothy 6:10 “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils.”

This verse seems to get misconstrued quite often as I’ve heard people say “Money is the root of all evil.” In reality, it’s saying the love, want, and desire for money is the sin that potentially can lead to further evils such as lying, stealing, cheating, gambling, etc. Inevitably, there are some people in this world who have money or high value possessions that continue to have an insatiable thirst for more.

I won’t lie – I like nice things. And some days when work has been exceptionally stressful or when there’s an aggravation that comes up in my life, I find myself shopping to relieve those feelings. Why? Because shopping makes me feel good about myself. Trust me, I’ve been trying to work on this mentality for quite some time. It’s not so easy to dissociate purchases with a certain level of my happiness. Chris also reacts the same way; when he’s stressed out, he online shops. It’s almost like an escape for the mind because instead of focusing on what has been causing you problems, you’re focusing on finding something fun or pretty or cool. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like we’re sitting here shopping all day long and/or buying thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. We make these decisions with each other and within our financial budget/goals that we’ve set for ourselves.

So when do I think it’s a problem? When you’re spending beyond your means. When you’re relying on friends, family, significant others monetarily, but continue to make purchases without a thought or care for how they feel. When your voracious need to buy takes over your life and now becomes one of the biggest reasons why you feel good about yourself.

The end result is this: money is neutral. It’s how you feel about it that changes whether it turns evil. Only you can be accountable for yourself and how you spend money, but don’t forget that when you’re in a relationship, two become one, as they say. Your significant other’s job isn’t to make sure that you’re not being swayed. It takes the efforts of both of you to achieve happiness within each other, with your relationships with friends, family, and whatever higher being you believe in, rather than possessions. My advice would be to take an evening to sit down together and come up with a budget with each other’s expectations. I hate that word, ‘expectations’, but without them, we wouldn’t be able to discern what our limits are. And revisit the budget should you need to because things change, like adding on a third dog, right Chris? Or having a baby, maybe two. Life happens, but that’s the best part because you get to enjoy it with someone.

Mark 10:6-9

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ For this reason, a male will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

First, may I just say how slightly awkward it is to talk about sex after only 4 hourly sessions with your pastor? But he informed us that there’s a lot of references in the Bible about sex. Who knew? There are so many depictions in movies, TV shows, ads, that glorify sex, even one night stands. In my opinion, having blind physical relations is easy  – as some people joke, ‘Beer goggles, am I right?’ But when there are emotions involved, there is a whole other level of vulnerability. You are trusting this individual with not just your body, but your soul, the core of who you are. And sex is just one way of joining your flesh to the other; each time, you become more involved and lose a little bit of yourself into them. Medically, that’s also technically true, but we won’t get into that.

So my advice is, if and when you decide to have sex, I hope that you choose to do so with someone you love and who reciprocates your feelings; that you both are committed to watch your bond and love grow. We’re emotional beings and to be able to feel that closeness, it’s something special and I would hate for you to deprive yourself of that.

Ephesians 5:22-33

“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, …”

I hated this Bible verse every time I heard it at a wedding; all this talk about wives submitting to their husbands. I don’t recall hearing the second part of the verse, probably because I was too busy seeing red with steam coming out of my ears after hearing the first part. However, I learned from premarital counseling that the comparison here is that husbands are the head of the body and the wives are the body itself, just like Christ is the head and the church is the body.

My interpretation of this verse has now changed from wives acquiescing to husbands, to one can not function without the other. To submit to your husband does not mean you give in or that you accept blindly what he says or does. As the body, you are the support system. You are the core strength to allow him to sit upon your shoulders. He is to love and care for you, because without you, he would be lost. Okay that might be a stretch … or is it …. Ladies? It isn’t about one submitting solely to the other. It’s about both people capitulating and indulging in each other because now you are of one flesh, no longer two. A healthy relationship can not last with only one person kowtowing. It takes two with open dialogue to ensure the needs of each other are met.

Hope y’all enjoyed reading this post as much as I did writing it.
Cheers!
Julie

There are countless stressors in our lives, whether permanently such as our pets, our jobs, our families or just day-to-day complications that arise.

When Hurricane Harvey hit us, Chris was in Hong Kong for his grandma’s funeral. That left me and two pups to manage with the flood waters that creeped up on our lawn. We were one of the lucky ones that had zero damage to our property and we all made it out safely; couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like to have been scrambling for high ground, worrying about loved ones, and/or finding shelter. Prayers to those still working on rebuilding homes and their lives.

CIRCUMSTANCES OUT OF OUR CONTROL:

After the flooding waters had receded somewhat, I had attempted to take the dogs to a fundraising event. But due to many road closures, it took 50 minutes to go approximately 3 miles. Most people don’t enjoy sitting in traffic and as for me? I abhor it. I can feel my blood pressure rise and the vein in my neck pulsating. I can hear my heart pounding and feel the anxiety that a potential unattentive driver may cause a collision. Then Izzo threw up twice with all the stop/go motion. My poor future husband picked this opportune time to call me and braced me with “So, I have some bad news.” Great. What else can happen? “Our venue flooded and wouldn’t be renovated in time. Okay, I have to go to the bar for a work event. Bye.”

Chris and I spent a lot of time planning our wedding early on to avoid potential stress and this was a huge blow. It was the end of the rope for me that day and was not one of my proudest moments because I lashed out at Chris (although, that probably wasn’t the best way for him to have attempted to end that call). I don’t recall what I said word for word, but it went something like this: “Whatever. I don’t care anymore. You figure it out. You’re the one who wants the big wedding anyway.”

YIKES.

In the moment, gosh it felt so good to let out all that anger, but I also felt awful because I didn’t mean a single word of it. After Chris talked to me that evening about how I made him feel, I felt even worse. Our wedding is to be a celebration of us, our union, and our families combining. And I reduced it to almost nothing in a fit of anger. How many times have we lashed out in anger and almost instantaneously felt regret? I can’t count the number of times I’ve done it growing up. This is a situation where the circumstances are out of our control – and I’m all about controlling the situation around me. But it made me realize that I don’t want to get angry about something I can’t change or fix and I don’t want to put my relationships in jeopardy. It’s a work in progress, but I will say that I’ve learned how to apologize and to increase my anger meter before heads roll and molten lava spews from my mouth.

SEPARATION OF WORK AND HOME LIFE:

We both have high intensity jobs. Chris is an attorney and I work as a physician assistant with cancer patients. It’s so hard to not bring work home with you, but it’s inevitable especially when you literally are taking work home with you. Chris works long hours and occasionally will have to prepare deposition outlines, perform case law research, and document review at home. If you’re unable to compartmentalize, like me, it’s also a struggle. When I have a particularly rough day, I feel this bone weary fatigue. I just want to sit and be anti-social. Almost to the point that when Chris comes home, I’m unenthusiastic in my greeting to him, not because I don’t love him, or because I’m not happy to see him. I literally am just that tired.

Chris, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He always says hello and always hugs me because he’s excited to see me after a long day. No clue where he gets this fountain of endless energy from. But I never knew how much of my work day affected my after work day until Chris pointed out to me that I was always tired or quiet. But for Chris, he has a hard time balancing time with work and time with me. He has a lot of work events that take up his evenings/days/weekends. As a result, this mixture of a rough day for me and him being at a work event until 10 PM puts some tension on our relationship; it’s difficult to invest the emotional and physical energy required. Can’t wait to see how we handle having kids in our lives!

There will always be some sort of stressor in life, but it’s how you manage it individually and with your significant other. It’s not always easy to maintain sense of self in the heat of the moment, nor is it easy to apologize afterwards. But when it storms, are you prepared and/or cognizant of your own tendencies? Are you going to dance in the rain and go with the flow? Or do you make a flood out of a little rain? Although in Houston, that’s entirely possible.

Happy Tuesday!

Julie

Chris and I had discussed whether or not we should pursue premarital counseling. In the end, we decided it would be beneficial for our relationship in the long run. One of our pastors, John, has guided us through four out of five sessions thus far. I’ll only be discussing the first two lessons today and will preface this by saying that Chris is Christian and I was raised Buddhist, but would describe myself as spiritual.

Lesson One: Covenant of Marriage

It was emphasized that a covenant is a bond, a contract, a promise of forever because not only do you form a covenant with each other, you also form one with God. Your relationship has been elevated because God is also a part of your relationship. The idea is that your love for God and His love for you is the most important, followed by your relationship with yourself, followed by your significant other. Some of you may be surprised, but kids come last.

My belief is that you must have a good sense of yourself in order to know what you want before committing to another individual. Then a stable and loving relationship with your other half provides a solid foundation for your kids. From what I’ve gathered, children look to their parents to see how to receive and give love. This lays the groundwork for how they will approach their own relationships with friends, family, and future husbands/wives.

Maybe looking deeper, you can see why you feel awkward giving hugs, showing physical affection, or even saying I love you. Or perhaps this doesn’t describe you at all, but it could explain why your significant other has trouble with acts of love.

Lesson Two: Conflict and How To Deposit Into Each Other’s Emotional Bank Account

Our pastor introduced us to the four horsemen ideology developed by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute (and no, we’re not talking about liquor): criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. These are communication styles that may show up in conflicts that you potentially have with your friends or loved one(s).

Criticism – this is an attack at the core of a person; a complaint is on one single event whereas the criticism is on the whole being of your significant other.

Examples:

• Complaint – “You didn’t feed the dogs. I thought we had discussed that tonight, you would be in charge of that.”
• Criticism – “I told you to feed the dogs! You clearly care more about your phone than our pets. How selfish can you be?”

See the difference? According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote is to complain without blame. This takes away the criticism.

Chris and I discussed whether or not we have this line of communication when we get into heated debates and we found that in our initial stage of the relationship, there would be misunderstandings resulting in criticism. But as we’ve grown together as a couple, this has lessened tremendously.

Contempt – treating others with disrespect, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolling. This has potential to lead the other individual into feeling rejected, worthless, and hurt. According to Dr. Gottman’s studies, this is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

The antidote is to be kind to one another. I know that sounds silly, but think about if you’ve said thank you for when he/she does something as simple as turning on the hot water for you to shower, or for taking the trash out without you asking, or doing the dishes.

I have communicated to Chris with contempt sometimes – I’m pretty sarcastic in nature and I do love a good eye roll every now and then. Good exercise for my eyeballs! But what I’ve found is the longer I let a pebble of a problem nag at me because I think it’s not that big of a deal and/or think it’ll resolve on its own, the bigger the blow up when it comes out. The best thing that I’ve found that worked for Chris and I is to address the issue soon after it pops up. Yes, some people need breathing room or a few minutes to gather themselves – I’m one of them, but don’t let it fester.

Defensiveness – looking for excuses during conflict so that the other person will back off. This is the natural inclination when you’re being attacked; you want to defend yourself and find excuses to decry what they’ve said about you.

The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if it’s only for part of the conflict.

Chris will admit that this is one type of communication that he does often. Especially when his social calendar comes into play. I also have a hard time with apologizing and accepting responsibility, but I’ve finally grasped that this is not a battle between us. We are working together as a team to build our future because we’re each other’s person.

Stonewalling – my area of expertise! This means when the listener withdraws from the conflict. I was notorious for doing this; for shutting down and refusing to interact to resolve the problem. Especially when Chris keeps asking “Are you okay?” every 5 minutes.

The best way to resolve this is to truly take a break – but not so you can think about how they wronged you. You should be calming yourself physiologically and mentally.

When John taught us these types of communications, I thought, “Oh boy. All of these types describe me.” However, the good thing is now that we’re cognizant of it, it’s easier to discern when we do have a conflict.

Chris and I went through examples of our past conflicts and it was a good exercise for the both of us to thoroughly discuss those previous heated exchanges while presently in a calm manner. I highly recommend it!

Resolving conflict:

So how do we resolve conflict? Making deposits into each other’s emotional bank accounts. I’m sorry, what did you mean by that Pastor John?

Both of us receive and give love differently. Chris likes to hear words of affirmation and have physical affection whereas I appreciate quality time. So the hope is to give love to the other as they need to receive it and make these “deposits”; when there is a conflict (considered a withdrawal), they have this bank full of love words, hugs, time spent together, etc. that they can withdraw from and the conflict won’t seem so terrible.

This is probably one of the most difficult things to do because you have to be in tune with your significant other to know how they need to be shown love – it could be the same, or it could be different from yours. You have to continually be conscious of it in order to fulfill their needs.

And just to prove that men and women are incredibly different in terms of their needs …

Hope y’all were provided some insight into your own relationships with what I’ve written tonight. Thanks for reading!

Cheers!

Julie

Howdy from us to you!

To give y’all a little background, we were enjoying date night and discussing how fun it would be to blog about new restaurants we were planning on trying in the greater Houston area. Of course that led to “we should blog about what we cook” and “we should blog about our fur-kids”, etc. Needless to say, we’re new to this and figured blogging would give us yet another reason to try new things and be able to share with you all.

Let’s hope we actually figure out what we’re doing.

Cheers,

Julie & Chris